Today's my birthday, and I'm really trying hard not to feel the birthday blahs. This is the big 45 for me. For some reason, I think I could handle the big 50 better. It just seems to be that big middle number. I don't feel young, I don't feel old...just in the middle.
When I was about 13 and decided that I wanted to become an artist...I can actually remember visualizing what my life would be like at 45. I also remember thinking how old I would be then...ancient! Well, most of it turned out exactly like I visualized...except for the feeling ancient part (thank goodness). I work full time on my art, in a gorgeous studio, on a beautiful Island...and have 2 fabulous kids, and a husband... that is so totally great... I have to pinch myself sometimes, to make sure, I'm not dreaming.
But, for the past few months as the birthday grew closer and closer...I kept feeling like I had let the 13 year old me down. I kept thinking...I should be making more money, I should be thinner, I should be taking better care of myself, I should have a nicer house, I should, I should, I should..... You get the idea. Then last night, I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. I kept thinking about all of this. Why was I feeling this way. Why does a number matter so much! In my mind and soul, I feel no different than when I was 13...except a whole lot wiser. The same girl is still around...and man...has she accomplished a lot! And best of all, I did it on my own terms.
I didn't become the lawyer that my Dad had planned on me becoming. I didn't marry the successful, financially secure, guy, my family wanted me to. I didn't work full-time at a unsatisfying job, just so I could play around with my art, as a hobby. All of these things have been implanted in my brain over many years, by loved ones and friends. But, they didn't know what was really right for me. They didn't want me to suffer or struggle. They really did have my best interest at heart. And that's where all the "I should's at 45" came from.
But, all the struggles, uncertainties, have been part of this wonderful 45 year adventure that I've been on! And best of all, they have made me a much better person. I've learned how to be a loving, open, relaxed mom, even though I didn't have a role model. I've learned that true love with your soul mate can overcome all obstacles and it only gets better with time. I've learned that to be a good artist, you have to realize that you are constantly learning...and that journey never ends.
So, in the middle of the night...I realized that all the "I should's" were not really mine at all. But, other's interpretations of what they thought "I should" be doing. This 45 year old, was in the middle...in the middle of her adventure...her own way. And the 13 year old me was really, really proud.
Here's some new work inspired by that inner 13 year old. I hope you enjoy it.
This was in my email box this morning from www.tut.com ...
The very best moment in any long journey that makes your dreams come true, Wyanne, comes not on the day you realize they have, but on the day you realize how little they matter compared to loving the adventure they've inspired.
Don't ask me why, I just know what I know -
Youtube was down last night and this morning...but here's a new video for you.