Sunday, August 2, 2009

she doesn't want to see the truth.............

"She Doesn't Want to See the Truth"
acrylic, gouache, collage on wood
11" X 14"

My last post must have set the Universe in motion...because I have had lots of past acquaintances from as far back as high school contact me. Most... see my art, and either say they were in awe of it way back then, or had no idea that I was so talented. They also say that they remember me as being very quiet. I was painfully quiet, and never felt like I fit in. It was very difficult at home, as my mom was in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's...and no one knew at the time what was wrong with her. I never shared it with anyone at school. At the time...all I wanted to do was fit in and be popular. I would have cut off my right arm and given away all my artistic talent, at the time, to achieve this. I didn't even come close.

But, what if I had come close? I think my life would have taken a radical turn. I probably wouldn't be an artist today. I would have studied something more socially acceptable in college. Or art would be something that I would dabble in part time at the kitchen table on weekends. I know now that I would be miserable. ( Heck...I can't go a day or two, not creating...or I get very cranky. I think it's known as withdrawal syndrome.)

Anyway, a long time ago, I packed all those painful memories of high school off to sea... to be forgotten. I intentionally forgot people, memories, names, places, etc. I did a really good job of it.

But, the suitcase came back.

I tried to ignore it...but I just kept tripping over it. It's been very easy over the years to blame others for the miserable time that I had in high school and the earlier part of college. I think we all look back at people from high school who we dislike because they made life difficult for us. But...did they really? Yes, there is a certain part of teasing, and bullying that goes on in our earlier years. with a little more wisdom from age behind my belt...I'm realizing I had the power to change the situation. I could have been more outgoing...I could have tried to get to know people. I didn't have to be the shrinking violet, I could have made more effort. I chose that path....or did I?

Possibly the Universe had different plans for me. I needed to feel all those painful experiences for a be a better artist. It would help me communicate emotion through my art. It made me passionate about what I do and who I am.

But, what do I do with the suitcase of memories and people? I decided to open it and let these people and memories back in my life. I can't say that it hasn't been painful all over again...because at times it has. I decided to own be feel it...and to be thankful for the experience and journey. It has, and is making me who I am artist.


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